Merry Christmas!!!

I had a very successful Christmas...my toy room has sooo much new stuff, but Mama and Dad have informed that it will be awhile till I get anything new. We were very busy on Christmas Day...we went to see Ita and Uncle Stewart then home for a nap and off the Fleetie's and Paw Paw's were my cousins had come to see all of us. Then back the next morning for more gifts..this Holiday stuff is sure crazy...but sooo much fun! My Poppy gave me a real camera so be looking for my professional photos. Look for more pics of my week and the following week. Crazy snow also....in Texas!

Happy Boy.....

We had a fun filled weekend...Mama, Dad and I got to spend some quality time together.

A Poem....My Ethan sooo very special

THE SPECIAL CHILD

The Child, yet unborn, spoke with the Father,
"Lord, how will I survive on the world?
I will not be like other children, My
walk may be slower, my speech hard
to understand, I may look different.
What is to become of me?"
The lord replied to the child,
"My precious one, have no fear, I will
give you exceptional Parents, they
will love you because you are special,
not in spite of it. Though your path
through life will be difficult, your
reward will be greater, you have been
blessed with a special ability to love,
and those whose lives you touch will
be blessed because you are special."

Worn Thin...it happens

On Saturday, Ethan and I went to the Christmas Party at the Stadujhar Stables and he had such a great time. He is obsessed with reindeer's...Santa came in on a horse, so he was kinda confused and asked him where the reindeer's were!! It was pretty funny! He said" Santa, sir, sir where are your reindeer's"? He is very polite!
But, like I said in my earlier post I was worn thin for the last 4 years that it caught up with me...Saturday at the party there were women there who have poured their souls and tears into their children...some of those children don't show feelings, emotions but they are loved unconditionally by there mother. All mother's are "worn thin" even if there children are the healthiest children in the world. I guess what I am trying to say is that those mother's out there that have special needs children they tend to "wear thin" faster..and that it is OK to ask for help...I thought if I asked for help that I was weak...I was weak for not asking. It always sounds better on paper but actually doing it...is so much harder!

A Thought....

(Pure Joy)


Many of you may not know that on November 12th I was hospitalized at Southwestern Medical Center in Dallas for 5 days for my seizures that I have been having. I may have been having them my whole life but for the last couple of years they have gotten unbearable. To make a long story short after having several "seizures" the medical professionals came up with the conclusion that I was having severe panic attacks and anixety attacks which could be deadly if I did not make some life changes. I spoke to psychologist the day I left for 3 hours and I had no probably expressing myself. I had so much angry, guilt, resentment and unhappiness in my heart. Alot of it came from the fact I felt all these things about Ethan having spina bifida..I blamed myself....thinking that I had done this to him..but I did not know that I carried the 2 mutated genes I did everything by the book. And that if this was going to happen I was going to make sure that Ethan had everything in the world..thinking that in this way I could fix it. But, it can not be fixed it can only be managed and turn into the most wonderful thing. I was angry at myself and I let that angry consume me and I turned into this person that was sooo utterly unhappy. But, to the outside world I was wonderwoman and always happy but in the inside dying. My body was done...my brain was toast and I felt not human but like a robot. I hated being in that hospital but it was the best thing for me...Ethan and Greg. I found that Ethan was going to live without me being there 24/7. And that Greg was not to blame for all my unhappiness...at times he did not help the sitution and the attacks but I should not allowed them to get the point where they got. Greg sees things clearer now...he is a very good person and has a very good heart and he realizes now that I am not "wonderwoman". I made some big changes for myself since I got back...I have started working out and not letting everything get to me and that sooner or later everything will get done. I changed Ethan's schdule so that it is a win-win situation for both us. And if I have nothing nice to say I count to 10 maybe once maybe 20 times before anything comes out of my mouth...I try to think before I speak..and it seems to be working. I am in a happy place now..and I plan to stay there.
As the holidays approach I have 3 things that I am asking GOD to help me with. They are forgiveness, gratefulness and to love unconditionally. Forgiveness is probably the hardest for me...for I am learning how to forgive myself for things that I have said and done...we are not perfect people...NO one is. Forgiving people for what they say or done can be very diffcult but it feels so much better to have that feeling of a clean heart. People say the stupidest things but you ask yourself.."how far do you want to take"...I am one of those people who took it to the top at times but now I just look at them and forgive before they say it. Gratefulness...I have sooo much to be grateful for...I have a happy healthy little boy who has brought sooo much joy to my life and he has touched sooo many people...he gives people hope. He is a dreamer...and I know he will make all his dreams happen. I am grateful for the help that is bestowed upon me and I try not to take it for granted. Unconditionally love....someone told me once that unconditionally love are among fools. I guess I am a fool...I try to love with all my heart because if you only love 1/2 way..why even love at all. We all have our flaws and inperfections but if
you truly love that person you will overlook them to the best of your ability.
I learned something also in the hospital that I was not only having bad days they had turned into bad weeks into bad months. We all have bad days but the question is do we want those bad days turn how life upside down...they did for me...but NO more. The wonderful thing about tommorow is that you get to start all over...I tell Ethan that...he even has bad days.
So, just wanted to give everyone "A thought" and to let you everyone that I am doing great!!! And that I am at peace with myself...and trying to look forward and not back. Because I do not want to go back...we all deserve chances...in my case I am on 100th one...I want another chance. Tell next time!! Thank you for all your prayers for our little family.

Merry Christmas....We had a blast putting the Tree Up!!

I was a BIG help to Mama while she was putting the tree up. I got to put the angel on the tree..I am sooo special.