A Thought....

(Pure Joy)


Many of you may not know that on November 12th I was hospitalized at Southwestern Medical Center in Dallas for 5 days for my seizures that I have been having. I may have been having them my whole life but for the last couple of years they have gotten unbearable. To make a long story short after having several "seizures" the medical professionals came up with the conclusion that I was having severe panic attacks and anixety attacks which could be deadly if I did not make some life changes. I spoke to psychologist the day I left for 3 hours and I had no probably expressing myself. I had so much angry, guilt, resentment and unhappiness in my heart. Alot of it came from the fact I felt all these things about Ethan having spina bifida..I blamed myself....thinking that I had done this to him..but I did not know that I carried the 2 mutated genes I did everything by the book. And that if this was going to happen I was going to make sure that Ethan had everything in the world..thinking that in this way I could fix it. But, it can not be fixed it can only be managed and turn into the most wonderful thing. I was angry at myself and I let that angry consume me and I turned into this person that was sooo utterly unhappy. But, to the outside world I was wonderwoman and always happy but in the inside dying. My body was done...my brain was toast and I felt not human but like a robot. I hated being in that hospital but it was the best thing for me...Ethan and Greg. I found that Ethan was going to live without me being there 24/7. And that Greg was not to blame for all my unhappiness...at times he did not help the sitution and the attacks but I should not allowed them to get the point where they got. Greg sees things clearer now...he is a very good person and has a very good heart and he realizes now that I am not "wonderwoman". I made some big changes for myself since I got back...I have started working out and not letting everything get to me and that sooner or later everything will get done. I changed Ethan's schdule so that it is a win-win situation for both us. And if I have nothing nice to say I count to 10 maybe once maybe 20 times before anything comes out of my mouth...I try to think before I speak..and it seems to be working. I am in a happy place now..and I plan to stay there.
As the holidays approach I have 3 things that I am asking GOD to help me with. They are forgiveness, gratefulness and to love unconditionally. Forgiveness is probably the hardest for me...for I am learning how to forgive myself for things that I have said and done...we are not perfect people...NO one is. Forgiving people for what they say or done can be very diffcult but it feels so much better to have that feeling of a clean heart. People say the stupidest things but you ask yourself.."how far do you want to take"...I am one of those people who took it to the top at times but now I just look at them and forgive before they say it. Gratefulness...I have sooo much to be grateful for...I have a happy healthy little boy who has brought sooo much joy to my life and he has touched sooo many people...he gives people hope. He is a dreamer...and I know he will make all his dreams happen. I am grateful for the help that is bestowed upon me and I try not to take it for granted. Unconditionally love....someone told me once that unconditionally love are among fools. I guess I am a fool...I try to love with all my heart because if you only love 1/2 way..why even love at all. We all have our flaws and inperfections but if
you truly love that person you will overlook them to the best of your ability.
I learned something also in the hospital that I was not only having bad days they had turned into bad weeks into bad months. We all have bad days but the question is do we want those bad days turn how life upside down...they did for me...but NO more. The wonderful thing about tommorow is that you get to start all over...I tell Ethan that...he even has bad days.
So, just wanted to give everyone "A thought" and to let you everyone that I am doing great!!! And that I am at peace with myself...and trying to look forward and not back. Because I do not want to go back...we all deserve chances...in my case I am on 100th one...I want another chance. Tell next time!! Thank you for all your prayers for our little family.